Legbreaker Mountain
by SpiegelofNowhere
Summary: Ishida has a problem. A blue-haired, mad scientist, stalker problem. "Stop sending things to my house. Flowers are fine; flowers that shoot knock-out gas are not."
1. Chapter 1

Hey, Rukia.

Can you ask Byakuya to ask Kurotsuchi to stop stalking Uryu? Sending flowers to his house was pretty creepy, but leaving gifts in his locker at school is just plain disturbing. And tell him that Uryu does not, in fact, want anyone to walk him home. He especially doesn't want damn creepy minions to follow him from the school gate, and menace anyone who gets within a few metres. It was funny to see him get so pissed, to start with, but now it's boring; and if the archer doesn't get some peace there's gonna be another mysteriously-murdered captain. With no miracle resurrection this time.

Ichigo.


	2. Chapter 2

To: Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, 12th Division HQ [mad_]

From: Uryu Ishida [cross_.jp]

Subject: Stalking tendencies

Stop sending things to my house. Flowers are fine; flowers that shoot knock-out gas are not. And the cameras in my bathroom were the exact opposite of subtle.

Stop sending things to my school. Kurosaki might find it hilarious, but I do not; and I _assure_ you, my _teachers_ do not.

Stop sending exploding/poisonous/fanged/clawed/otherwise dangerous things to my classmates' houses: they are not taking my time from you, _because you have no right to my time_.

Stop sending your goons to follow me; and if you do, don't complain when Arisawa beats them up for trying to intimidate Inoue.

Finally, stop stalking me. Even were I gay [which I am not, not matter what Kurosaki claims], I would not enter a relationship with a man older than my father. Even were I inclined to do so, I would not enter a relationship with a Shinigami. And, even if I were to take total leave of my senses and enter a relationship with a Shinigami, it would never be with the psychopathic scientist who a) was responsible for the death of my grandfather, b) conducted horrific experiments on said grandfather and hundreds of other Quincys, c) attempted to capture Inoue for separate but related horrific experiments, and d) tried to kill me. Oh, and e) violently assaulted his own daughter.

With great annoyance,

Ishida


	3. Chapter 3

To: [cross_.jp]

From: [mad_]

Subject: Ongoing Courtship.

1 – How am I to court you, without providing you with thoughtful gifts, proving the sincerity of my intent? I swear, youth these days…

And what makes you think you found all the cameras?

2 – I suppose I can refrain from sending gifts to your school. Or I could come speak to your teachers and explain the situation to them?

3 – No matter how fascinating her abilities are, that girl was too close. Additionally, while you are fully capable of defending yourself from visiting Hollows, human thugs are a different matter, and could easily be drawn by your svelte figure and pretty face. The goons stay.

4 – I am nothing if not determined.

With greatest affection,

Mayuri


	4. Chapter 4

To: Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, 12th Division HQ [mad_]

From: Uryu Ishida [cross_.jp]

Subject: Descriptive terms

_**SVELTE?!**_

Ishida.


	5. Chapter 5

To: [cross_.jp]

From: [mad_]

Subject: RE: Descriptive terms

Svelte. Of 58 shinigami surveyed, of both genders and randomly selected from the 13 divisions, 56 agreed with the adjective of 'svelte' when shown a picture of yourself, or a synonym thereof [alternative suggestions included 'slim', 'lithe', 'willowy', 'sylphlike', and 'feminine']. Additionally, 53 agreed with the adjective of 'pretty', or a synonym thereof, with an additional 9 passing shinigami offering agreement [all nine were from 11th division, so I will spare your delicate sensibilities by not repeating their exact words here]. I can send you the write up, if you wish.

With greatest [and most exceedingly well-researched] affection,

Mayuri


	6. Chapter 6

To: [mad_]

From: [cross_.jp]

Subject: RE: Ongoing Courtship.

1 – I don't _want_ you to court me; knockout gas is not thoughtful; and placing cameras in my bathroom [STOP WATCHING ME BATHE] says nothing for your sincerity.

2 – You are not to go anywhere near my school. I have enough problems without the school calling my father to discuss the creepy masked man stalking me. Not that he'd care, but it would be annoying to explain.

3 – You are _not_ going to keep me away from my friends, whatever their gender. Are you going to have your minions follow us to club activities, too? And, regardless of my 'svelte figure and pretty face' [you bastard, and _no _I don't want the write up], I _can_ take care of myself. I have done so for many years; and even were I under any risk, I would sooner ask _Kurosaki_ for help than you. And how are your goons going to do any good when a skinny 16-year-old girl can beat them to a pulp?

4 – Then let's see who's more stubborn.

With increasing annoyance,

Ishida

[Also, what picture did you show them, and where did you get it?]


	7. Chapter 7

To: [cross_.jp]

From: [mad_]

Subject: RE: Ongoing Courtship.

After receiving advice of courtship from the Shinigami Women's Association, I have revised my gift list in light of your interests. I hope you enjoy the sewing machine, and put it to good use.

I have decided that it is, indeed, beneath me to become jealous of a teenage girl; there will be no further interruptions to your social life [Ukitake tells me that teenagers need a strong peer support base]. I have also considered your concerns as to the ability of my underlings to defend you, in light of their humiliating defeat at the hands of a school girl. As a result, I have recalled those guarding you to the Soul Society, and their replacements [all seated officers] are on their way. Those returning will be subject to a period of heightened training so as to improve their combat skills, including a great deal of sparring with 11th. Heheheheh.

And, as to your enquiry regarding the source of the picture – your school's yearbook has a great many suitable images. The one currently being passed around 4th, I believe, was on page 83 of last year's edition.

Oh, and one more thing. In exchange for their assistance on the subject of romance, I promised the SWA that I would ask if you would assist them in the creation of a calendar. Apparently, you and your fellow ryoka have some fans, and they wish to capitalise on this. I have attached the contact details of the Vice-President, who is in charge of this project.

With greatest affection,

Mayuri


	8. Chapter 8

Sorry that updating took so long – I was actually planning on a different piece of the story, but this came to me and I decided to go with it. Besides, the other part [which I will still need to write] involves Nanao, and she seems to be refusing to talk to me. Oh well. On with the madness!

-

INTERLUDE: Ichigo is Not Happy

-

GuardianOne: Oi

GuardianOne: Quincy.

Cross_Archer: What, Shinigami?

GuardianOne: I am going to kill you so hard

GuardianOne: Any of your ancestors living in the Soul Society will drop dead too.

Cross_Archer: Oh? Any particular reason, or just simmering resentment at my general superiority?

GuardianOne: You fucker.

GuardianOne: Just because you have a stalker doesn't mean we need to match.

Cross_Archer: Ah, but as I recall, *someone* said it was romantic. *Someone* said I should be nice to my would-be sweetheart. *Someone* was kind enough to point out that, given I don't have a girlfriend anyway, that it's hardly going to interrupt with anything…

Cross_Archer: Now, who was that again?

GuardianOne: Yeah, yeah, bastard. You've made your point.

GuardianOne: But how the fuck am I going to get him off my back now?

FlashCat: Fufufufu. I don't think it's your back he wants to be on, Ichi-kun, but something lower…

GuardianOne: Wha-! Yoruichi! When the hell did you get here?

FlashCat: I've been here the whole time, Ichi-kun

GuardianOne: Don't call me that!

GuardianOne: And anyway, it's not funny! He's been talking to my FAMILY!

Cross_Archer: I suppose I should be grateful the mad scientist hasn't done that…

GuardianOne: …

Cross_Archer: What?

GuardianOne: Uryu

Cross_Archer: What?

GuardianOne: If Yoruichi is reading this

GuardianOne: What do you think are the odds

GuardianOne: Of anything we say not being spread around Soul Society at the speed of –

GuardianOne: Well, of Shunshin Yoruichi?

Cross_Archer: …

Cross_Archer: Well, fuck.

GuardianOne: Yup.

GuardianOne: Oi, and what's this about a calendar?

.

.

.

Ah, and for those of you who would have been wondering: all the chapters but this one and the first are supposed to be e-mail [this one is some sort of IM service]. The e-mail addresses didn't come out because is a bitch, but here's an approximation:

cross_archer AT coldmail DOT com DOT jp

mad_scientist AT seireitai DOT org

.

You see? It all makes perfect sense [if you tilt you head to the left a little and squint].


End file.
